Don’t you hate it when you’re ten feet away from your door and you can’t remember whether it’s locked? Well: that problem has now been totally obliterated by Ness, the lock that is a door that has one very large eyeball and one very large mouth and screams constantly and eats packages and maybe hands. Unlock Ness securely by using up your own memories and bodily fluids until, one day, you too are deemed unworthy to enter your own home. That’s how two-factor security works, as I understand it.
When Steinway, the first piano, emerged from the primordial piano ooze (this is true, trust us), did he one day realize that Piano 2.0, the Piian2 8te, would make the Piano 1.0 look like a joke instrument for dummies? God, I hope not. How depressing. Anyway, some of the improvements we’ve made are: less keyboards! More face-squishing! More hydraulics! More snakes (way more snakes)! Typically a piano has three pedals, and so does a car – you see where I’m going with this? Finally: Tom invents Reverse Shazam™, which is when you know what song it is but it’s not currently playing, it’s hard to believe nobody invented it yet honestly.
The only energy drink with Bananergy™ and none of those weak chemicals for babies, like electrolytes. Electroheavies and electrodarks ONLY for maximum ‘tudeness. In this episode we dig into the existential questions that have haunted humans since the dawn of history: how would a banana smoke a cigarette? What’s cool about ranch? Is gravy powerful? Tom is convinced the nubs in the late, lamented Orbitz were made of wax and will not be convinced otherwise (they aren’t). P.S. We joke about drinking a lava lamp but here’s a pro-tip: don’t drink a lava lamp! That’s lava in there!
Our sincere gondolences to Blimp 1.0, it’s time for Glimp™ presents: The Dunk Zone. Enter your personalized human teabag to ‘dunk’ on the landscape repeatedly as you sail through the air, suspended from a giant emoji or something. What keeps the Glimp aloft? Well, they say jazz is the notes you don’t play. Finally, science allows us to capture those unused notes (they are very buoyant) and put them in a big ol’ lifty thing. Thank you for enjoying Glimp: the Australian submarine.
It’s almost time for a new year, a concept we destroy wholly with Calendar 2.0, the Cal-Ender. Why maintain both distance and time when we could just use the same units for both? Eric drops an esoteric The Killers reference. We determine that inducing a humanity-wide seven-segment hallucination is a cool and good thing to do, because all other calendar systems are the laserdisc of time-keeping, and we are the EXTRA-THICC VHS tape.
The episode where it becomes increasingly obvious that Tom invented something that already totally existed, instead of our usual thing where we come up with totally plausible and excellent ideas. We did create biodegradable paper from gerbil peeps and poops, find it soon in the ‘abhorrent’ aisle at Staples. Finally: we hint at it more than state it outright, but given our track record you just know our final product has a really big gross mouth on it, and we will never apologize for disrupting so good.
Nothing says interior decorating like going out into the forest and taming a wild carpet after your existing carpet has broadcast a psionic death cry and crawled out of your house to die, am i right? Car-pet disrupts the floor covering industry with such features as: claws on the corners, smells good, a large mouth on either end that eats your floor mess and might kiss when you’re not in the room, don’t worry about it. Car-pet: Don’t do rugs!
All work and no play makes the whole world a stage – a famous bon mot from The Bard. Except: which Bard? Perhaps now YOU are The Bard, as per audience proxy votes via eggplant. If all the world’s a stage, does that mean we are merely players? Well, yes. But also the audience. Don’t worry about it, the DJ will explain everything via a Big Willie Style -style intro when you arrive at the Play, which is everywhere.
Hello boys and GHOULS (Vincent Price laughter), in this episode we improve that avatar of Halloween, the humble Jack-o-lantern, and also Eric invokes his executive privilege to try to ruin ANOTHER Halloween episode. Pumpkins? What if … MEAT? That would be disgusting, but what if: body-part-shaped watermelons? Forget carving a spooky face into your watermelon, the true horror that will chill you to your very soul is a mall-art quote that is rapped by babies. LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE.
Fire up Powerpoint and fire a person out of a cannon into the audience because it’s time for a no-holds-barred philosophical battle … OF THE MIND (but also body slams). Compare your favourite wrasslers’ key strengths – head butts vs. the Hegelian dialectic, oh dunk that’s a huge matchup. Wrasslers will have to contend with course hazards (WASPS) but also the ring is now a thirteen-pointed star. We take a brief diversion into classical dance remixes and that showboating son-of-a-gun Brahms.
If you’re a person who enjoys using a conveyance to move to different vertical areas, prepare your body for Elev16r! Also prepare your body to have its face melted off by the extreme pun that Eric drops in the first minute. Floors are now realms. Buttons are now binary sort algorithms that you yell at. Getting to your own floor is now an economic transaction wherein you bid Elethereum (NOT a cryptocoin for elephants!). Also hey this might be a bananas idea but has anybody ever thought of stairs that go up by themselves?!?
We satisfy all possible running shoe use cases and Eric reminds us that he has no idea how Tubthumpin’ goes. Cleats? Old news buddy, it’s all about tiny hands with very sharp fingers to grab the ground – how else would you accomplish a 2000 RPM pirouette? Don’t worry! It won’t come flying off your foot due to pudding cup technology. There were definitely no legal issues that would sink this dang podcast, except we accidentally included the Power Rangers theme song, sorry sorry trying to delete
Tux? He do! Dress on a spectrum from moderately formal to full-blast hyperformal (but the formality was inside you all along!). Prepare to have your sartorial world’s face rocked by the concept of assless chap tuxedos and/or cargo tuxedos. Black tie event? More like “small boat or Dorito tucked under your chin” tie event. Tom disappoints Eric by not knowing about a Rush song and Eric disappoints Tom by not knowing an archaic verb that nobody ever uses.
Visit historic/Wu-tang cursed Castle 2.0, the Nicehold! Cross the M.O.A.T. on a raftman to enjoy medieval-themed modern luxuries, such as wifi (made of doves), microwaves (also doves), or television (doves once again). We followed the principle first stated by Dieter Rams: “Why pick something when you just can do everything?” Bonus content: a review of the dumb and bad Periodic Table.
Have a great time watching TV again – we invented Sitcom 2.0 so everybody knows exactly when a joke is being made: just watch Hugh Jackman watching the sitcom with a mandatory and inescapable laugh track. Modern technology allows you, the audience, to insert your own dumb ideas into the show by yelling very loudly. Also: every sitcom is now part of a larger ALF/clone wars metanarrative, you’re welcome.
Let’s defuse some international tensions with Eric trying, and failing, to say vexillology for what felt like forever. You know flags? Not anymore because Flag Force 1 exists now, your vexillology degree is worthless. Flags are now Escher-esque tessellating lizards. Flags are now filled with syrup. The Union Jack is now pizza. Collect them all!
Yoooo what’s good fellow Peanutheads smash that like and subscribe – sorry The Redesign is now a Planter’s fancast, we dig deep into the lore for all our fellow Nutbuddies. Incidentally we also build a better mousetrap, a perfect non-lethal fratatouille for brodents, then manage their time with the disembodied head of Will Ferrell and strict operant conditioning.
Be re-assured when you me-asure with Pleasuredrone, Your Measuring Friend™. If you’re worried (and you should be) that your measuring tape is extremely, limb-threateningly sharp, or that you can’t measure things in astronomical units (you don’t know my life) then, buddy, you’re in the right place. We deeply and conclusively explore the measuring space with stickiness (gross) and marshmallow tires.
You’ve heard of Holiday Inn? Well get ready for Holiday OUT with Hotel 2.0 – the vacation that takes you! And immerses you into a possibly inescapable sanity-ruining VR adventure! Find the Dagger of Wonder to instantly defeat pretzel monsters, but remember: if you die in real life, you die in the game. (You won’t actually remember, because we wipe your memories every time.) Also: Eric says ‘food-grade toilet’.
Do you think you love chocolate? Well, do you, coward? Let me tell you something: you haven’t tried REAL chocolate until you’ve used chocolate-lined gloves to carefully manhandle a virulent 200% dark chocolate bonbon (filled with a delectable alien egg sac of greek salad) into your mouth. Enjoy a mind-crimes blast of flavour weeks from now, or possibly a couple weeks ago. You will have had enjoyed this.
Can u canoe? U can with Can2! Let me ask you this: do you like pants? Do you like hot wings? Do you like Kenny G and the scent of hot dogs? Then Can2 is for you. We insert you bodily into the majesty of nature whilst maintaining your serenity and non-sun-burnedness via zeppelin.
Get into fligital photography with Camera 2.0: check out Dis Posable Can-mera! Look for the mark of quality: a cute doggie with a lens assembly for a face! It couldn’t be easier: 1. slap in a canister of Dilm 2. insert your garbage-can sized cardboard and ice lens into a refrigerated golden retriever. Don’t worry about privacy: we’ll launch a rocket that screams like a goat that screams like a man.
Take chess, the classic game of strategy. Boring, right? What if we added all the best parts of Go, Monopoly, The Game of Life, Battleship, Golf, Final Fantasy and getting sprayed in the face with a cloud of drugs? Sorry, it sounds awesome, we accidentally made something good instead of jokes. Prepare to lose the game with χess.
We put the ‘win’ in ‘swim’ with P∞l, which is definitely not pronounced “Poo-finity-ell”. Sync your own person-sized swim lane with Watch 2.0 to get tailored fitness recommendations such as: 1. swim in pudding or 2. get electrocuted. Bonus! Probably the only podcast ever to say ‘pee spike mines’ and ‘oeuvre’ in the same sentence.
Are you still wearing fast fashion? Prepare your body for instant fashion with Sewing Machine 2.0 – “THE MACHINE”. Strip naked in the street and throw your old garbage clothes (and literal garbage) into the hopper, then step inside the booth. You tender flesh will be almost, but not quite, incinerated to provide the best fitting clothes you’ve ever had welded together around you.
Tom reveals his deep-seated fears of measuring tapes and fans. But more importantly: we disrupt medieval combat and stab wounds with the S word (Sword 2.0). We invent the retractable blade and somehow avoid the word flaccid. Attach a sword with built-in razzle-dazzle shark to every limb and your head and put this one on your Duel-list, folks.
Man’s best friend is now man’s better friend with Dog 2.0: the K10. How much better you might ask? Does your mainstream Dog 1.0 yell out your appointments in the voice of Scooby Doo or Sir Ian McKellen (CBE)? Does your quotidian dog 1.0 have ad-supported fur with built-in pouches to hold your stuff? I submit it does not.
[extremely Daft Punk voice] “Sign it, lick it, shake it” – me? Oh just doing an extremely cool Money 2.0 transaction (transactions cannot exceed $59,049). We’ve made it easier than ever to send money to a friend: just smack your saliva-laden hands together and celebrate your wealth with an unstoppable torrent of baking-soda-volcano froth.
Put on Tubthumpin’ because things are going to get knocked down (and, following that, get up again). Join your fellow roll players in the x-treme and physically taxing game of Bowling 2.0. No more ant-filled finger-holes, just grab your ball by the convenient handle (while activating your walk-out music) and launch it directly through a windmill and/or clown mouth.
We lay down some non-negotiable improvements to Movies 1.0: you are now legally required to say the name of the movie within the movie, all movies start with a rap, all movies contain Thanos’ distinct musk, and everyone’s a spiderman. How will you enjoy this new paradigm? Just lie back and look straight up, enjoying a sip of delicious Movie Juice™. The Threeater: That’s Bridget Jones, Baby!
Fall in love with international jetsetting all over again with the Lugnut™ – the luggage that you ride! The luggage that you ride because it’s an expandable peristaltic ouroboros that hardly ever digests your clothes and toiletries! For longer voyages, simply affix a Poppins-adjacent umbrella-style helicopter blade (available via macrotransaction).
What if trains, but scary? Or what if trains, but even MORE scary? We demolish the totally mundane existence of rollercoasters by adding maglev, rockets, venomous serpents, cheese puffs and the unnecessarily violent subversion of your expectations. Rollercoaster 2.0: The most safe rollercoaster™.
Reach for the sky (in an aspirational way! Not because we’re robbing you). In fact it’s birds that are robbing you. Sorry, we improved them too much and they’re better than us now. But let me pose this question: how many wings is too many wings? The answer: four. And also this question: what if birds had hands and secreted cotton candy and also sang George Michael songs? If you said ‘that rules’ you are correct.
Our Hallowe’en episode turned out to be kind of turd – but we’re no ly-can’t-thropes, so we just cut out everything except those good good werewolf jokes. Ask yourself this: would you like a 30-day trial of maybe just eating SOME of a person? Please join our professional pack on Loupdin.
You must feel like some kind of Neolithic troglodyte, getting your mail in a primitive mailbox and going to the post office to buy so-called stamps. With PostMail™ (“It’s better than mail!”) you could instead be licking a slime-encrusted package and then feeding it to a giant biomechanoid chicken. This episode also features: Eric performing an uncanny airhorn imitation.
Hey, are you a humanoid person who has a biological need for sleep? Cool, nice! Traditionally this happens mostly horizontally, and on a big flat surface, which seems tragically non-optimized. Why sleep on a normal, dumb ol’ mattress when you can sleep inside a body-formed fungus sheath filled with icy cherry slush, with your head enclosed in a DreamCube? Get the best 8 hours of sleep you’ve ever had (in 12 minutes) with REM Brand™.
We slip beneath the waves of Poseidon’s moist realm with Submarine 2.0. Eric immediately confuses Roy Scheider and Rob Schneider as we pivot into a Seaquest DSV fan podcast (Darwin rulz ok). We go deep with biomimicry by giving our vessel big ol’ tentacles and a giant beak, nature’s coolest appendage and grossest mouth. Note: you also have to breathe perfluorocarbon the whole time you’re in there, if you’re not okay with that shut up because you’ll be shamed into it with peer-pressure-based marketing.
Become an IMPOSSIBLY well-coiffured individual and “Do the ‘Do 2” with Grooming 2.0. Obviously only machines could cut your hair to such exacting standards: that’s why your new stylist is a cloud of scissor-wielding microdrones that 3D print non-biological hair-filament onto your head while you’re blasted with ASMR videos. Keep calm and continue to keep calm: you’re getting gr2med.
Enjoy nature’s wild bounty without the exercise in frustration that is man’s natural enemy, the tent. Instead, try Headspace™ – become the (literal?) corpus callosum of a hydraulically-inflated noggin, carefully built from a 3D scan of your own beautiful human head. Crawl into your own gargantuan mouth for a good night’s sleep, then leave your head to decompose in a field.
Think you know breakfastses? Think again, friend! Using machine intelligence, face recognition, and explosions, the Breakfast Butler™ creates nutritious slurries that you wear on your head and sip on the go. When you’re done, simply smash your breakfast helmet off to signal your satisfaction.
Eating food the old-fashioned way is a filthy habit for animals. No longer be subject to gravity’s cruel whims and be prepared to return incoming high-fives at any conceivable time with Cutlery 2.0. Normal utensils (and their lamentable progeny, sporks) got nothin’ on chowing down with a head-mounted explosive disposable robot-arm bulb.
Welcome to Mowtown! If you hate your lawn, trespassers, or ice carving, then Lawnmower 2.0 is for you. Using the futuristic science of 3000 RPM lasers and Google Streetview, we cut literally everything to a uniform height. Don’t worry: it’s totally safe – we leverage jetski and slide-whistle tech to protect your family from laser-adjacent lesions.
You thought we changed sports forever with Baseba2? Well guess what – we totally did except for Horse Racing, which is now also CHANGED FOREVER. Tired of the ol’ Nascar oval? Get ready for all-terrain horse-drifting. We bring street racing sensibility to the most noble sport with horse body kits & strapping a goat to each hoof. Finally, we let you, the audience, vote on ad-hoc psychological hazards.
Employers, looking for a productivity boost? Check out Mouse 2.0, the Deskpet™ – your employees can press a button to receive a Mouse Pellet (but only sometimes, peep that variable reward schedule). Employees, looking for an emotional connection with your work? Your mouse is now a pulsating glove, with tiny legs for haptic feedback and a tiny tongue for kisses. You’re welcome.
Become a master of home improvement, coffee grinding, and self-surgery with Drill 2.0. We consider how to account for safety (because nobody should just drill william-nilliam) by making Drill 2.0 extremely hot, slimy, and/or spiky. Become an instant expert with a [spooky voice] MAGNETIC keyless charles, and document it all with a Drillfie™.
Obviously we’ve improved motorized transportation forever, but what about human-powered transportation? We also improved that forever by replacing your everyday, garbage-dump “wheels” with a throwback to the OG way to blade: legs. Safety? You bet! Let everybody know you’re 2.0 leggin’ it with constant Doppler-compensated screaming.
It’s peace in our timepiece with Watch 2.0. Ever thought about how your current smartwatch measures steps but doesn’t measure your remaining lifespan or how much crime and fire is around you? Smoke this in your mind-pipe also: what if your watch contained a tiny homunculus that told you what to do? What if the homunculus itself wore a watch? What if the watchband was a watch-SUIT? What if the watch-suit drank your blood? WHAT IF!?!?
Taking a a big ol’ bite of design with Hamburger 2.0 (aka the OMNIBURGER, prepare your body). Don’t you hate it when your hamburger is cold, soggy, or not blasted with flavour? Yeah, us too. That’s why we leveraged onigiri packaging and ripcord-driven chemical heating to bring you an AR ordering experience at your local burgatorium. BURG IT!™ #burgerfails
You may have heard of baseball, but you’ve never heard of Baseba2 – yet. Why can’t we make baseball a year-round sport? The answer is: we can, using Basebulb™. This might be against the rules but we threw out the rulebook, baby. We also bring map-packs, sound-packs and status afflictions to boring ol’ baseba1, all available through Basebucks™ microtransactions.
Have you ever cooked a food? This episode is for you. We rethink the technology of the everyday paternoster, and its less evolved form, the conveyor belt, to change your kitchen forever. The classic conundrum: stakeholders or steak holders? Some brandstorming results in our value prop: The Lazy-Bake Oven. We ride that IoT train by pairing your phone with your oven. More like Chef + Chef Music Factory, amirite? We monetize the heck out of this thing with oven ringtones and celebrity saliva, and then Eric comes up with the best name ever.