You’ve heard of Holiday Inn? Well get ready for Holiday OUT with Hotel 2.0 – the hotel that comes to you! And immerses you into a possibly inescapable sanity-ruining VR adventure! Find the Dagger of Wonder to instantly defeat pretzel monsters, but remember: if you die in real life, you die in the game. (You won’t actually remember, because we wipe your memories every time.) Also: Eric says ‘food-grade toilet’.
Do you think you love chocolate? Well, do you, coward? Let me tell you something: you haven’t tried REAL chocolate until you’ve used chocolate-lined gloves to carefully manhandle a virulent 200% dark chocolate bonbon (filled with a delectable alien egg sac of greek salad) into your mouth. Enjoy a mind-crimes blast of flavour weeks from now, or possibly a couple weeks ago. You will have had enjoyed this.
Can u canoe? U can with Can2! Let me ask you this: do you like pants? Do you like hot wings? Do you like Kenny G and the scent of hot dogs? Then Can2 is for you. We insert you bodily into the majesty of nature whilst maintaining your serenity and non-sun-burnedness via zeppelin.
Get into fligital photography with Camera 2.0: check out Dis Posable Can-mera! Look for the mark of quality: a cute doggie with a lens assembly for a face! It couldn’t be easier: 1. slap in a canister of Dilm 2. insert your garbage-can sized cardboard and ice lens into a refrigerated golden retriever. Don’t worry about privacy: we’ll launch a rocket that screams like a goat that screams like a man.
Take chess, the classic game of strategy. Boring, right? What if we added all the best parts of Go, Monopoly, The Game of Life, Battleship, Golf, Final Fantasy and getting sprayed in the face with a cloud of drugs? Sorry, it sounds awesome, we accidentally made something good instead of jokes. Prepare to lose the game with χess.
We put the ‘win’ in ‘swim’ with P∞l, which is definitely not pronounced “Poo-finity-ell”. Sync your own person-sized swim lane with Watch 2.0 to get tailored fitness recommendations such as: 1. swim in pudding or 2. get electrocuted. Bonus! Probably the only podcast ever to say ‘pee spike mines’ and ‘oeuvre’ in the same sentence.
Are you still wearing fast fashion? Prepare your body for instant fashion with Sewing Machine 2.0 – “THE MACHINE”. Strip naked in the street and throw your old garbage clothes (and literal garbage) into the hopper, then step inside the booth. You tender flesh will be almost, but not quite, incinerated to provide the best fitting clothes you’ve ever had welded together around you.
Tom reveals his deep-seated fears of measuring tapes and fans. But more importantly: we disrupt medieval combat and stab wounds with the S word (Sword 2.0). We invent the retractable blade and somehow avoid the word flaccid. Attach a sword with built-in razzle-dazzle shark to every limb and your head and put this one on your Duel-list, folks.
Man’s best friend is now man’s better friend with Dog 2.0: the K10. How much better you might ask? Does your mainstream Dog 1.0 yell out your appointments in the voice of Scooby Doo or Sir Ian McKellen (CBE)? Does your quotidian dog 1.0 have ad-supported fur with built-in pouches to hold your stuff? I submit it does not.
[extremely Daft Punk voice] “Sign it, lick it, shake it” – me? Oh just doing an extremely cool Money 2.0 transaction (transactions cannot exceed $59,049). We’ve made it easier than ever to send money to a friend: just smack your saliva-laden hands together and celebrate your wealth with an unstoppable torrent of baking-soda-volcano froth.
Put on Tubthumpin’ because things are going to get knocked down (and, following that, get up again). Join your fellow roll players in the x-treme and physically taxing game of Bowling 2.0. No more ant-filled finger-holes, just grab your ball by the convenient handle (while activating your walk-out music) and launch it directly through a windmill and/or clown mouth.
We lay down some non-negotiable improvements to Movies 1.0: you are now legally required to say the name of the movie within the movie, all movies start with a rap, all movies contain Thanos’ distinct musk, and everyone’s a spiderman. How will you enjoy this new paradigm? Just lie back and look straight up, enjoying a sip of delicious Movie Juice™. The Threeater: That’s Bridget Jones, Baby!
Fall in love with international jetsetting all over again with the Lugnut™ – the luggage that you ride! The luggage that you ride because it’s an expandable peristaltic ouroboros that hardly ever digests your clothes and toiletries! For longer voyages, simply affix a Poppins-adjacent umbrella-style helicopter blade (available via macrotransaction).
What if trains, but scary? Or what if trains, but even MORE scary? We demolish the totally mundane existence of rollercoasters by adding maglev, rockets, venomous serpents, cheese puffs and the unnecessarily violent subversion of your expectations. Rollercoaster 2.0: The most safe rollercoaster™.
Reach for the sky (in an aspirational way! Not because we’re robbing you). In fact it’s birds that are robbing you. Sorry, we improved them too much and they’re better than us now. But let me pose this question: how many wings is too many wings? The answer: four. And also this question: what if birds had hands and secreted cotton candy and also sang George Michael songs? If you said ‘that rules’ you are correct.
Our Hallowe’en episode turned out to be kind of turd – but we’re no ly-can’t-thropes, so we just cut out everything except those good good werewolf jokes. Ask yourself this: would you like a 30-day trial of maybe just eating SOME of a person? Please join our professional pack on Loupdin.
You must feel like some kind of Neolithic troglodyte, getting your mail in a primitive mailbox and going to the post office to buy so-called stamps. With PostMail™ (“It’s better than mail!”) you could instead be licking a slime-encrusted package and then feeding it to a giant biomechanoid chicken. This episode also features: Eric performing an uncanny airhorn imitation.
Hey, are you a humanoid person who has a biological need for sleep? Cool, nice! Traditionally this happens mostly horizontally, and on a big flat surface, which seems tragically non-optimized. Why sleep on a normal, dumb ol’ mattress when you can sleep inside a body-formed fungus sheath filled with icy cherry slush, with your head enclosed in a DreamCube? Get the best 8 hours of sleep you’ve ever had (in 12 minutes) with REM Brand™.
We slip beneath the waves of Poseidon’s moist realm with Submarine 2.0. Eric immediately confuses Roy Scheider and Rob Schneider as we pivot into a Seaquest DSV fan podcast (Darwin rulz ok). We go deep with biomimicry by giving our vessel big ol’ tentacles and a giant beak, nature’s coolest appendage and grossest mouth. Note: you also have to breathe perfluorocarbon the whole time you’re in there, if you’re not okay with that shut up because you’ll be shamed into it with peer-pressure-based marketing.
Become an IMPOSSIBLY well-coiffured individual and “Do the ‘Do 2” with Grooming 2.0. Obviously only machines could cut your hair to such exacting standards: that’s why your new stylist is a cloud of scissor-wielding microdrones that 3D print non-biological hair-filament onto your head while you’re blasted with ASMR videos. Keep calm and continue to keep calm: you’re getting gr2med.
Enjoy nature’s wild bounty without the exercise in frustration that is man’s natural enemy, the tent. Instead, try Headspace™ – become the (literal?) corpus callosum of a hydraulically-inflated noggin, carefully built from a 3D scan of your own beautiful human head. Crawl into your own gargantuan mouth for a good night’s sleep, then leave your head to decompose in a field.
Think you know breakfastses? Think again, friend! Using machine intelligence, face recognition, and explosions, the Breakfast Butler™ creates nutritious slurries that you wear on your head and sip on the go. When you’re done, simply smash your breakfast helmet off to signal your satisfaction.
Eating food the old-fashioned way is a filthy habit for animals. No longer be subject to gravity’s cruel whims and be prepared to return incoming high-fives at any conceivable time with Cutlery 2.0. Normal utensils (and their lamentable progeny, sporks) got nothin’ on chowing down with a head-mounted explosive disposable robot-arm bulb.
Welcome to Mowtown! If you hate your lawn, trespassers, or ice carving, then Lawnmower 2.0 is for you. Using the futuristic science of 3000 RPM lasers and Google Streetview, we cut literally everything to a uniform height. Don’t worry: it’s totally safe – we leverage jetski and slide-whistle tech to protect your family from laser-adjacent lesions.
You thought we changed sports forever with Baseba2? Well guess what – we totally did except for Horse Racing, which is now also CHANGED FOREVER. Tired of the ol’ Nascar oval? Get ready for all-terrain horse-drifting. We bring street racing sensibility to the most noble sport with horse body kits & strapping a goat to each hoof. Finally, we let you, the audience, vote on ad-hoc psychological hazards.
Employers, looking for a productivity boost? Check out Mouse 2.0, the Deskpet™ – your employees can press a button to receive a Mouse Pellet (but only sometimes, peep that variable reward schedule). Employees, looking for an emotional connection with your work? Your mouse is now a pulsating glove, with tiny legs for haptic feedback and a tiny tongue for kisses. You’re welcome.
Become a master of home improvement, coffee grinding, and self-surgery with Drill 2.0. We consider how to account for safety (because nobody should just drill william-nilliam) by making Drill 2.0 extremely hot, slimy, and/or spiky. Become an instant expert with a [spooky voice] MAGNETIC keyless charles, and document it all with a Drillfie™.
Obviously we’ve improved motorized transportation forever, but what about human-powered transportation? We also improved that forever by replacing your everyday, garbage-dump “wheels” with a throwback to the OG way to blade: legs. Safety? You bet! Let everybody know you’re 2.0 leggin’ it with constant Doppler-compensated screaming.
It’s peace in our timepiece with Watch 2.0. Ever thought about how your current smartwatch measures steps but doesn’t measure your remaining lifespan or how much crime and fire is around you? Smoke this in your mind-pipe also: what if your watch contained a tiny homunculus that told you what to do? What if the homunculus itself wore a watch? What if the watchband was a watch-SUIT? What if the watch-suit drank your blood? WHAT IF!?!?
Taking a a big ol’ bite of design with Hamburger 2.0 (aka the OMNIBURGER, prepare your body). Don’t you hate it when your hamburger is cold, soggy, or not blasted with flavour? Yeah, us too. That’s why we leveraged onigiri packaging and ripcord-driven chemical heating to bring you an AR ordering experience at your local burgatorium. BURG IT!™ #burgerfails