Hello boys and GHOULS (Vincent Price laughter), in this episode we improve that avatar of Halloween, the humble Jack-o-lantern, and also Eric invokes his executive privilege to try to ruin ANOTHER Halloween episode. Pumpkins? What if … MEAT? That would be disgusting, but what if: body-part-shaped watermelons? Forget carving a spooky face into your watermelon, the true horror that will chill you to your very soul is a mall-art quote that is rapped by babies. LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE.
Fire up Powerpoint and fire a person out of a cannon into the audience because it’s time for a no-holds-barred philosophical battle … OF THE MIND (but also body slams). Compare your favourite wrasslers’ key strengths – head butts vs. the Hegelian dialectic, oh dunk that’s a huge matchup. Wrasslers will have to contend with course hazards (WASPS) but also the ring is now a thirteen-pointed star. We take a brief diversion into classical dance remixes and that showboating son-of-a-gun Brahms.
If you’re a person who enjoys using a conveyance to move to different vertical areas, prepare your body for Elev16r! Also prepare your body to have its face melted off by the extreme pun that Eric drops in the first minute. Floors are now realms. Buttons are now binary sort algorithms that you yell at. Getting to your own floor is now an economic transaction wherein you bid Elethereum (NOT a cryptocoin for elephants!). Also hey this might be a bananas idea but has anybody ever thought of stairs that go up by themselves?!?
We satisfy all possible running shoe use cases and Eric reminds us that he has no idea how Tubthumpin’ goes. Cleats? Old news buddy, it’s all about tiny hands with very sharp fingers to grab the ground – how else would you accomplish a 2000 RPM pirouette? Don’t worry! It won’t come flying off your foot due to pudding cup technology. There were definitely no legal issues that would sink this dang podcast, except we accidentally included the Power Rangers theme song, sorry sorry trying to delete
Tux? He do! Dress on a spectrum from moderately formal to full-blast hyperformal (but the formality was inside you all along!). Prepare to have your sartorial world’s face rocked by the concept of assless chap tuxedos and/or cargo tuxedos. Black tie event? More like “small boat or Dorito tucked under your chin” tie event. Tom disappoints Eric by not knowing about a Rush song and Eric disappoints Tom by not knowing an archaic verb that nobody ever uses.
Visit historic/Wu-tang cursed Castle 2.0, the Nicehold! Cross the M.O.A.T. on a raftman to enjoy medieval-themed modern luxuries, such as wifi (made of doves), microwaves (also doves), or television (doves once again). We followed the principle first stated by Dieter Rams: “Why pick something when you just can do everything?” Bonus content: a review of the dumb and bad Periodic Table.
Have a great time watching TV again – we invented Sitcom 2.0 so everybody knows exactly when a joke is being made: just watch Hugh Jackman watching the sitcom with a mandatory and inescapable laugh track. Modern technology allows you, the audience, to insert your own dumb ideas into the show by yelling very loudly. Also: every sitcom is now part of a larger ALF/clone wars metanarrative, you’re welcome.
Let’s defuse some international tensions with Eric trying, and failing, to say vexillology for what felt like forever. You know flags? Not anymore because Flag Force 1 exists now, your vexillology degree is worthless. Flags are now Escher-esque tessellating lizards. Flags are now filled with syrup. The Union Jack is now pizza. Collect them all!
Yoooo what’s good fellow Peanutheads smash that like and subscribe – sorry The Redesign is now a Planter’s fancast, we dig deep into the lore for all our fellow Nutbuddies. Incidentally we also build a better mousetrap, a perfect non-lethal fratatouille for brodents, then manage their time with the disembodied head of Will Ferrell and strict operant conditioning.
Be re-assured when you me-asure with Pleasuredrone, Your Measuring Friend™. If you’re worried (and you should be) that your measuring tape is extremely, limb-threateningly sharp, or that you can’t measure things in astronomical units (you don’t know my life) then, buddy, you’re in the right place. We deeply and conclusively explore the measuring space with stickiness (gross) and marshmallow tires.
You’ve heard of Holiday Inn? Well get ready for Holiday OUT with Hotel 2.0 – the vacation that takes you! And immerses you into a possibly inescapable sanity-ruining VR adventure! Find the Dagger of Wonder to instantly defeat pretzel monsters, but remember: if you die in real life, you die in the game. (You won’t actually remember, because we wipe your memories every time.) Also: Eric says ‘food-grade toilet’.
Do you think you love chocolate? Well, do you, coward? Let me tell you something: you haven’t tried REAL chocolate until you’ve used chocolate-lined gloves to carefully manhandle a virulent 200% dark chocolate bonbon (filled with a delectable alien egg sac of greek salad) into your mouth. Enjoy a mind-crimes blast of flavour weeks from now, or possibly a couple weeks ago. You will have had enjoyed this.
Can u canoe? U can with Can2! Let me ask you this: do you like pants? Do you like hot wings? Do you like Kenny G and the scent of hot dogs? Then Can2 is for you. We insert you bodily into the majesty of nature whilst maintaining your serenity and non-sun-burnedness via zeppelin.
Get into fligital photography with Camera 2.0: check out Dis Posable Can-mera! Look for the mark of quality: a cute doggie with a lens assembly for a face! It couldn’t be easier: 1. slap in a canister of Dilm 2. insert your garbage-can sized cardboard and ice lens into a refrigerated golden retriever. Don’t worry about privacy: we’ll launch a rocket that screams like a goat that screams like a man.
Take chess, the classic game of strategy. Boring, right? What if we added all the best parts of Go, Monopoly, The Game of Life, Battleship, Golf, Final Fantasy and getting sprayed in the face with a cloud of drugs? Sorry, it sounds awesome, we accidentally made something good instead of jokes. Prepare to lose the game with χess.
We put the ‘win’ in ‘swim’ with P∞l, which is definitely not pronounced “Poo-finity-ell”. Sync your own person-sized swim lane with Watch 2.0 to get tailored fitness recommendations such as: 1. swim in pudding or 2. get electrocuted. Bonus! Probably the only podcast ever to say ‘pee spike mines’ and ‘oeuvre’ in the same sentence.
Are you still wearing fast fashion? Prepare your body for instant fashion with Sewing Machine 2.0 – “THE MACHINE”. Strip naked in the street and throw your old garbage clothes (and literal garbage) into the hopper, then step inside the booth. You tender flesh will be almost, but not quite, incinerated to provide the best fitting clothes you’ve ever had welded together around you.
Tom reveals his deep-seated fears of measuring tapes and fans. But more importantly: we disrupt medieval combat and stab wounds with the S word (Sword 2.0). We invent the retractable blade and somehow avoid the word flaccid. Attach a sword with built-in razzle-dazzle shark to every limb and your head and put this one on your Duel-list, folks.
Man’s best friend is now man’s better friend with Dog 2.0: the K10. How much better you might ask? Does your mainstream Dog 1.0 yell out your appointments in the voice of Scooby Doo or Sir Ian McKellen (CBE)? Does your quotidian dog 1.0 have ad-supported fur with built-in pouches to hold your stuff? I submit it does not.
[extremely Daft Punk voice] “Sign it, lick it, shake it” – me? Oh just doing an extremely cool Money 2.0 transaction (transactions cannot exceed $59,049). We’ve made it easier than ever to send money to a friend: just smack your saliva-laden hands together and celebrate your wealth with an unstoppable torrent of baking-soda-volcano froth.
Put on Tubthumpin’ because things are going to get knocked down (and, following that, get up again). Join your fellow roll players in the x-treme and physically taxing game of Bowling 2.0. No more ant-filled finger-holes, just grab your ball by the convenient handle (while activating your walk-out music) and launch it directly through a windmill and/or clown mouth.
We lay down some non-negotiable improvements to Movies 1.0: you are now legally required to say the name of the movie within the movie, all movies start with a rap, all movies contain Thanos’ distinct musk, and everyone’s a spiderman. How will you enjoy this new paradigm? Just lie back and look straight up, enjoying a sip of delicious Movie Juice™. The Threeater: That’s Bridget Jones, Baby!
Fall in love with international jetsetting all over again with the Lugnut™ – the luggage that you ride! The luggage that you ride because it’s an expandable peristaltic ouroboros that hardly ever digests your clothes and toiletries! For longer voyages, simply affix a Poppins-adjacent umbrella-style helicopter blade (available via macrotransaction).
What if trains, but scary? Or what if trains, but even MORE scary? We demolish the totally mundane existence of rollercoasters by adding maglev, rockets, venomous serpents, cheese puffs and the unnecessarily violent subversion of your expectations. Rollercoaster 2.0: The most safe rollercoaster™.
Reach for the sky (in an aspirational way! Not because we’re robbing you). In fact it’s birds that are robbing you. Sorry, we improved them too much and they’re better than us now. But let me pose this question: how many wings is too many wings? The answer: four. And also this question: what if birds had hands and secreted cotton candy and also sang George Michael songs? If you said ‘that rules’ you are correct.
Our Hallowe’en episode turned out to be kind of turd – but we’re no ly-can’t-thropes, so we just cut out everything except those good good werewolf jokes. Ask yourself this: would you like a 30-day trial of maybe just eating SOME of a person? Please join our professional pack on Loupdin.
You must feel like some kind of Neolithic troglodyte, getting your mail in a primitive mailbox and going to the post office to buy so-called stamps. With PostMail™ (“It’s better than mail!”) you could instead be licking a slime-encrusted package and then feeding it to a giant biomechanoid chicken. This episode also features: Eric performing an uncanny airhorn imitation.
Hey, are you a humanoid person who has a biological need for sleep? Cool, nice! Traditionally this happens mostly horizontally, and on a big flat surface, which seems tragically non-optimized. Why sleep on a normal, dumb ol’ mattress when you can sleep inside a body-formed fungus sheath filled with icy cherry slush, with your head enclosed in a DreamCube? Get the best 8 hours of sleep you’ve ever had (in 12 minutes) with REM Brand™.
We slip beneath the waves of Poseidon’s moist realm with Submarine 2.0. Eric immediately confuses Roy Scheider and Rob Schneider as we pivot into a Seaquest DSV fan podcast (Darwin rulz ok). We go deep with biomimicry by giving our vessel big ol’ tentacles and a giant beak, nature’s coolest appendage and grossest mouth. Note: you also have to breathe perfluorocarbon the whole time you’re in there, if you’re not okay with that shut up because you’ll be shamed into it with peer-pressure-based marketing.
Become an IMPOSSIBLY well-coiffured individual and “Do the ‘Do 2” with Grooming 2.0. Obviously only machines could cut your hair to such exacting standards: that’s why your new stylist is a cloud of scissor-wielding microdrones that 3D print non-biological hair-filament onto your head while you’re blasted with ASMR videos. Keep calm and continue to keep calm: you’re getting gr2med.